you are here: Picking Your Battles
Don't declare war every time your man messes up -- if you're into him
long-term, here's how (and when) to pick a fight.
"Constantly riding your mate will put your entire relationship at risk," warns Sam Horn, author of Tongue Fu! How to Deflect, Disarm, and Defuse Any Verbal Conflict (St. Martin's). "The key is to strike a balance between the battles you choose to fight and those you chooseto let go."
Ask yourself these six key questions when determining which conflicts are worth waging war over.
1. What's really bugging you?
He shows up for dinner at your place an hour late because his basketball game went into overtime, and then he spends 10 minutes bragging that his jump shots would have made Michael Jordan slink off the court in shame. Meanwhile, the only shot you're thinking about is the one you'd like to take at him. Hold it just a second!
Although he should have called and he still hasn't apologized, you need to step back, says David Stiebel, Ph.D., a professional mediator in Palo Alto, Calif., and author of When Talking Makes Things Worse! (Whitehall & Nolton, 1997). If he rarely commits crimes like this one, it could be a bite-your-tongue moment. Instead of whining, wait until you've calmed down, then tell him that you'd appreciate his phoning ahead the next time he's going to be held up more than 20 minutes.
Even if he habitually shows up late, you need to keep cool and consider any larger issues that may be contributing to your anger. For instance, maybe you feel his tardiness is a sign that he takes you for granted. Only when you've figured out what's wrong, says Stiebel, can you "come up with a concrete, positive move for him to make."
2. Is this a recurring theme?
Review the stats: "If whatever your man has done or said to offend seems out of the ordinary, then evaluate the extenuating circumstances," suggests Horn. Bernadette Woo, a 28-year-old consultant from New York City, recently found out that her fiance had called her boss while she was away on business to verify that she really was away on business. "My initial instinct was to go off on him for spying, but after reexamining the situation, I remembered that he'd just discovered that his brother's wife had had an affair during a trip she'd taken without him. Before that, my boyfriend had never been jealous."
3. Is he really in the wrong?
Sussing out whether he's really in the wrong is crucial before staging a showdown. "Ask your pals for a reality check," suggests Stiebel. "If they tell you they've never dated a man who'd meet your standards, it's time to downscale your expectations."
