My husband of almost 6 years just told me that he no longer loves me. We both feel the same about divorce; it is a sin unless there is an affair...which there isn't here. He is not going to leave me nor I him. We have two beautiful children together and want this to work for us and them. He says he doesn't know who he is anymore and he has to figure that out before he can figure out if he can love me. What hurts is that I am deeply in love with him and can't stand not being loved by him. Things now seem so awkward and confusing. We are not having sex because that is a part of love and he feels he is lying to me by doing it and he can't say he loves me. What should I do, I am so hurt? And yes, I am sure he is not having an affair. He is really just lost...and now so am I!
--Love Hurts

Dear Love Hurts,
There is one thing constant about relationships; your feelings toward each other need to be cultivated. It is difficult to expect someone to feel love for you if you are not in return loveable. Now, I'm not saying that this is the entire problem in this situation. Nevertheless, to some degree it must exist or he wouldn't be feeling this way. I would take a good look at your life and rate it according to how satisfied you feel. Then, rate it from your partner's perspective. Have things become a routine? Is one or the other partner nagging about something all the time? Is one partner not fulfilling their secret dream? How often do you connect physically? How often do you connect emotionally? Who does each of you talk to about your daily problems? After doing this, you should have a clear idea of what areas in your own life you can improve on and what areas you can help your partner to address.

Even if this helps, you need to take this matter seriously. It's really difficult to fix a relationship when one partner denies you the crucial aspects to a relationship. If you aren't able to fix this yourselves, you are going to need outside help. Otherwise, this situation is going to end up making you feel bitter resentment towards your partner. At this point you are mostly feeling sorrow, but what if this continues for months with no resolution in sight? Really look hard at how you handle this first period of withdrawal.

With Love,

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