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My husband and I have been married now for 11 years. It's been a roller coaster throughout our marriage. We have 4 children, and well we just don't make time for each other and lately we've been arguing over nothing. My question is how can we express how we feel without hurting each other's feelings? -Just Want To Talk
Dear Just Want To Talk,
Find out what is at the root of the matter. When petty arguments start to enter the relationship it is usually a sign of something deeper that may be bothering you or your husband. Are there any other outside stresses that may be part of the situation? When you talk with your husband about the situation, use the following tips as a guideline.
Listen to what your partner is actually saying. Try to read between the lines of what he's saying emotionally. To avoid getting hurt, or hurting the other person, many people don't just come out and say what's bothering them. But, if you listen carefully you can pick up the hidden message. The messages can be many, and range from loss of respect and not feeling as an equal, to missing being your best friend. If you're partner feels as if you truly understand them their confidence in talking with you about future matters will increase.
When your husband says something, acknowledge him in a way that makes him know you've truly heard what he's saying. Many people misinterpret a contrary opinion as someone not understanding them. If you don't agree with what your partner is saying, it doesn't mean you think they are wrong or that you don't understand where they are coming from. It is important to portray this when you are discussing something. Instead of arguing your point, try something a little more sensitive. For example, "I understand that you feel (reiterate what your partner has said) and I see where you are coming from. But, I'd also like you to hear it from my perspective..."
Be careful which words you choose when you are talking about something. Don't bring up things from the past, and don't say things you know will upset your partner. It's very hard to take back the emotional hurt that can be caused by the words you say. You may not mean what you're saying, but your partner won't always know that. Don't allow yourself to just snap and say whatever comes to mind. Remember, everyone can find a nicer way to say things.
Agree to resolve the issue right there and then. You don't need time to let things stew. Try to handle any problems right there and then. Offer any suggestions you have about handling the situation, and ask your partner if they have any ideas as well. Work together as a team to find ways to overcome your obstacles.
Remember, everyone needs someone who loves, adores and respects them just as they are. Take the time to let your husband know that he's still that same one you adore. Don't let everyday life squeeze the love out of your relationship.
With Love,
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