Love Task #23
"Turning Off Your Filter"
We all learn various communication habits early on in life. Communication patterns emerge based on our upbringing, culture, and a myriad of other experiences we encounter. Due to these factors, certain responses to situations can be “programmed” without actually being analyzed to see if the reaction is fair and accurate for the present situation. I call this a listening filter. This occurs when something someone says to you goes through a kind of preconceived filter before actually getting to you. When this happens a host of different problems can materialize. First, you typically aren’t hearing what your partner is actually saying because your filter is misconstruing the context. Second, your response may not actually indicate what “you” are trying to say or feel.
There are a host of these kinds of filters that typically stem from certain fears such as, “If they do X, they must not love me” or “getting upset with me means they are unhappy and might leave me” and so on.
Let me give you a condensed example. Let’s say in a past relationship (or even one you’ve just seen or been exposed to, like a parental relationship) one partner frequently leaves the other in order to pursue self-interests. This causes a strain on the relationship because the other partner starts to feel lonely and unimportant. This leads to arguments and upsets and eventually this relationship ends.
Flash forward to a current relationship. Your partner wants to go out for a night with the guys. Your first reaction is to compare this experience with previous experiences. Before you know it, you are suddenly filled with self-doubt and feelings of being unwanted or unloved. Instead of realizing that a guy's night out for your man is typically not a big deal, you run the situation though the filters you've develped in your previous relationship and it suddenly becomes a serious issue. Your partner has no idea that his seemingly simple request has caused these emotions in you, and therefore will have no idea how to react when you become upset. In fact, he may not even know why you are truly upset with him, because you are attacking his desire to go out instead of the insecurity your filter has caused. He will only see that his request for one night with the guys has turned into a huge problem, and this will probably leave him feeling upset, hurt, confused, or even angry or trapped.
In order to stop this cycle you need to change the way you react to a situation. You can’t always change the way you feel, so you need to work on changing the way you talk about how you feel or changing your perception of the situation.
In the example above, talking about how you feel and changing your perception could work conjunctly. If your filter turned on because you were worried they’d rather spend time with their friends than you, simply explain that to them. Let them know that sometimes your insecurity filter turns on and that occasionally you need to be reassured. You can also change your perception of the situation by realizing that your partner wants to go out with the guys just because he wants to go out with the guys. It's not that he doesn't want to be with you. The two are not exclusive.
The power to alter your perception of a situation is an amazing relationship ally. The more you realize you have the ability to change any situation just by changing the way you view it, the quicker you will learn to see your partner for exactly who they are and be able to perceive what they are really saying with their words or actions.
This week’s homework…
- Take stock of your personal filter.
When you have a negative reaction to something your partner says, write down exactly what happened and what feelings you had at the time. After a while, look back at your entries and see if you can notice any patterns emerging. Use this information to understand how your filter is working for or against you.
- Tackle this task together.
Sit down with your partner and make a commitment to not get offended when one of you is trying to explain how you are interpreting their actions or communication. Understand that this is a learning experience and you are working towards understanding each other as accurately and clearly as possibly.
- Honesty is the best policy.
Be honest about how your fears may be misconstruing your feelings. Try to find a positive outlook for each of those fears to counter-balance your emotions. Letting yourself dwell on what “could be” is never conducive to a positive result or feeling. Before assuming your feelings are justified, really take a candid look at the source.
