The Opposite Of Sexy
Why ghouls, ghosts and gore bring out our sensuous side is beyond all reasoning, yet every year, Halloween rolls around and all we want to do is trade in our normal person clothes for any costume that's described on the label as being a "sexy" something -- anything, really... and we do mean anything.
Sexy schoolgirls, sexy French maids, sexy cops and sexy flight attendants are Halloween staples, but sometimes no amount of cleavage or bare leg can save a poorly conceived costume idea. Case in point: Rather than tease and titilate, these seven "showstopping" costumes are more likely to confuse, offend or make people super duper uncomfortable.
1. Sexy Dolphin
With their playful attitudes, seaQuest-level intelligence and fusiform body, dolphins are unquestionably awesome. But even if you can endure an entire evening of drunken 'blowhole' jokes, you'll still be wearing a velour costume designed to look like Flipper's skanky sister. Worst. Walk of Shame. Ever.
2. Sexy Skunk
What's the one fact every person knows about skunks? Yep, that would be their ability to spray noxious odors from a set of anal glands as a form of protection from bears. While this is arguably impressive, it's hardly sexy, so why even go there?
3. Sexy Jason Voorhies
Chi chi chi ka ka ka. This costume will definitely have people feeling a tingle in their pants but depending on the crowd, that could be either the heat of arousal or the warm stream of urine as childhood memories of being traumatized by Friday the 13th come flooding back (and down their pant leg). Fingers crossed it's not the latter.
4. Sexy Alex DeLarge from A Clockwork Orange
Not to be a buzzkill, but are you familiar with this story? Having to explain that you're actually a "sexy" version of the sociopathic Clockwork protagonist who rapes and murders just for kicks.... well, here's hoping everyone at the party just thinks you're Sally Bowles from Cabaret.
5. Snooki from Jersey Shore
A plunging neckline and leopard print is usually 100% hot, but once you add the Jersey Shore element, this costume goes from being sexy to all-out repelling. Of course, most people aren't in it for the sexy factor -- Halloween's your free pass to rock a bump, GTL and beat the heat without risk of social penalty, but don't expect to garner too many admiring looks.
6. Sexy Clown
For those of us who don't have a Ronald McDonald fetish, this one is more likely to haunt your dreams than ignite any flames of passion. The makeup, the afro -- this is precisely what people have in mind when rocking back and forth muttering "Can't sleep... clown will eat me..."
7. Sexy "Anna Rexia"
For those of you who thought an eating disorder couldn't be sexy, your perfect record remains untarnished. The internet was up in arms once news of this utterly tasteless costume started spreading -- and the company behind it soon pulled it from their website. A skeleton-print bodysuit dress is one thing -- heck, even a cheesy double entendre festooned with fake vulvas and phalluses is one thing -- but a skeleton-print bodysuit dress with a measuring tape belt and matching choker meant to be a 'pun' on an eating disorder? This "Anna Rexia" costume is many things, but sexy isn't one of them.
Now that you've read a few Halloween DON'Ts, how about some Halloween DOs?